so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
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