My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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