My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
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She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
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The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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