after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
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Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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