He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Im part way to drunk.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
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