Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
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My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
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Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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