I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
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So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
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Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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