Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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