cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
well you can't waste a boner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize