where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
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Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
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Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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