I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
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he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
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I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize