Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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