So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
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If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
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I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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