Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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