I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
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He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
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she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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