I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize