Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
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I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
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So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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