remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
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After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
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I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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