You smell like a Billy Joel song
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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