Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I seem to have left my pride at pride
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
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just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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