i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
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Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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