I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
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You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
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Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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