You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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