Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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