He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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