the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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