I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
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could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
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Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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