i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
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I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
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