i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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