So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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