This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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