I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
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Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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