So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
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why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
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He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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