it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
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We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
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I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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