I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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