I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
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I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
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If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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