i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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