am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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