I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I forgot how hot balto sounded
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
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No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
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