well I can't set my house on fire every night
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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