then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
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This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
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they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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