my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
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I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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