Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
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After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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