booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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