Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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