i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
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...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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