I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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