She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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