Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize