now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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